Acknowledging the Absence

A wiser, younger and much thinner friend of mine gave me a piece of advice recently when I brought up the sadness I felt about my blog absence. I adore being able to write to entertain, vent, document, memorialize or inquire but as you may have noticed, over the past 5 months, I have all but disappeared. My wise friend told me not to feel the guilt but to document the space. Acknowledge that it happened and the reason why it happened. I was not lazy, bored or uneventful, but instead a much bigger thing happened. I was recently diagnosed with babyinthebelly syndrome and every tiny luxury went out the window. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, cheated, emotional, punished, confused, ignored, lost, resentful, scream-at-the-heavens sad. Blogging became number 458^th on the list of things I wanted or had energy to do so here I am…documenting the space chasm.

Since day one of being diagnosed, September 16^th, I KNEW I would not survive mentally. Waiting patiently to one day wake up in a mental hospital due to my panicked husband’s admittance so that I would be able to shout “I told you so” to everyone was my main goal but that day never came. Instead I had my few days weeks of self pity, lackluster living and defiance and then I dropped my pride out of desperation and talked to people. When I was “diagnosed” with Tatum I kept it inside for 4 months and let it fester. This time I knew I needed help and talked to really educated people on this earth and He who is found when I kneel down. I was told I was one of the most capable people, one of the most blessed and one of the most intelligent and that I CAN do this. Weird thing is…I started to believe it and I let those words heal me. I dropped my pride against all mortal odds and He healed me.

All aspects of my life have done a 180 since September; my marriage, my desire, my diet, my goals, my spunk. I was forced to figure out why I was mad. I didn’t want to gain the weight again, be hungry and full at the same time, not be able to walk to the mailbox without collapsing in pain, alien jabbing you in the ribs, tired, cranky, huge, uncomfortable, sweaty, unorganized, sedentary, nauseated, leaking, attached, in pain, worried, overwhelmed, restricted, frustrated….…AGAIN! I felt selfish but didn’t see it that way all at the same time. I have cried buckets and buckets and came close to walking away from my marriage, my kids, this pregnancy. I saw the Bishop and a counselor. I talked to strangers and friends alike. I told myself to keep going even though I wanted to lie on the couch and ignore every single peep from life. I BARELY breathed. Responsibility kept me alive although robotic. Kids had to be fed, angry words had to be said, books had to be read…I never quit even though I feel like I am excused this one time. Dang determination! If there is anything I am gifted at, it’s determination and getting pregnant.

I accept the challenge. Baby girl #4 (but child #5), you just watch out. When I went from 3 children to 4, I was just overwhelmed but having #5 qualifies me as “supermom” and I am officially inducted into the MAMA Hall of Fame! (Most Amazing Mom of All) Having this prestigious award gives you the ability to be called on at any hour by other moms for advice on diaper brands, baby food, fevers, tantrums. It gives you the right to let your kid drink out of a bottle until they are 2 if it keeps the sleepless nights to a minimum and your sanity at a maximum. You get wide eyes of wonder when people find out you have 5 kids in today’s world and disapproving or not, they revere you on a new, higher pedestal of accomplishment and honor. You reserve the right to find old fat-laden French fries under any given seat in your car at anytime, anywhere. If you want, you can carry around stretch marks, baby weight and saggy boobs for the rest of your life without judgment. I am officially qualified, certified, have my degree, whatever you want to call it, I earned every last tear of it! I have learned about growth and my journey on this earth and I am a much wiser, deeper and amazing person than I was before.

After all this is over (baby born and on a schedule) I get to prove (for the third) time, that I can work my literal butt off! I can forgive my husband for his needs and try and figure out once and for all, how this keeps happening without my permission. (Hint: it is not in the water.) We have learned to speak the same language and it has made ALL the difference. I am lucky to have him and vice versa. I can afford to feed, clothe, provide for 7 people on a tight budget and still save money. I can watch my children grow, forget the anger and revel in the joy; quintupled. It will take me a while to rise above the exhaustion, boo-boos and losing count of the kids but one day, I will sit and stare in wonder and be overwhelmed in a different way. Because I did a 180 back in 2009, this recent 180 ironically has put me back on track with my priorities and mental health in such a confusing, dizzying way but I have been taught well by fire.

I am not good at being pregnant mentally and physically and I apologize to those who don’t understand and to you I say…this was MY personal trial. You have yours. My trials are not the same as yours but they are just as real even though they might be the opposite.

I refuse to let the past 5 months disappear so I will have to catch up on the events I was barely coherent for but the space of silence that encompassed all of it had to be addressed first. I choose to leave the events of 2011 behind, document them yes, but leave all the destructive yet educational emotion behind.

2012, put up your dukes because I have plenty of fight left in me and an army to back me up.