Praying to the Porcelain Gods

Sorry everybody, I've been a little preoccupied with eating backwards for the past 24 hours. I have to tell you, even though this subject is a little on the TMI side of things, I felt that's its blog appeal was too tempting.

I still haven't figured out if it was food poisoning or the stomach flu but I have a sneaking suspicion that the turkey smoked sausage in my fridge is to blame. I thought it would be okay but for once, the ol' sniff and touch method wasn't enough. I fell short of taking it to the labs to have it x-ray ed for a bacterial presence.

After the "offending dinner" was had and I was sitting at the computer 6 hours later, my stomach wasn't feeling particularly healthy. A couple hours later I was calling Ralph on the big white telephone. I proceeded to moan and groan my way through a sleepless night. There were even times during the night that almost fainted mid liquidation. I have never been that close to fainting before. I hit rock bottom around 5:30am and did my best to crawl into the shower to ease my aching muscles. By that time I was so dehydrated that I slithered downstairs and pounded a cup of crystal light and another cup of water. I know full well that you are to drink in sips when you are dry but was greedy and sure enough, 30 minutes later, I made a multi-colored yawn and sent my body back into shriveled up raisin mode.

I got up the next morning feeling like I had been thrown off a bus going 500 miles an hour. There was a brief lull in singing to the sink and I was able to watch a few minutes of TV and power down a slice of bread. That didn't last long and I was back upstairs in the fetal position, praying for my life. After about 10 trips to the throne, I was instructed by my sister-in-law to sip Gatorade to replace my electrolytes. Rob bought me 3 different kinds and I proceeded to see the entire rainbow in reverse. By evening, I was not feeling any better and I knew that I just couldn't live through another 24 hours of this torture. My super healthy teeth were once again acting up, my stomach was trying to push out imaginary food and it was hungry at the same time. My whole body ached from lying down all day and tossing my tacos and to add insult to injury, I developed a rather painful bruise on my forehead from, you guessed it, pushing too hard against the toilet during the Warhol wail.

At 7:00pm we called our home teacher and he came over to assist in giving me a Priesthood blessing. At 9:00pm, Rob called our sister-in-law, the doctor and she was able to call in a prescription for nausea medication but the only 24 hour pharmacy was in Renton. An hour later, Rob came in, let me finish recycling my lunch and then I took that pill. That glorious pill!!! About 15 minutes later I was O-U-T!!! I wouldn't have heard a freight liner if it had crashed into our house. At 4:30 I woke up and realized I was near iceberg temperatures. I closed the window, crawled under the covers and took another nausea pill. Gone! At 9:00am, I was awake and barely able to walk but at least I was vomit free.

I am in a slow recovery and luckily Rob had yesterday off and called in to take today off too. He really stepped up yesterday and took care of everything. Worrying about the children was about 75th on my list of things to do that day so I am eternally grateful for him.

I can't remember the last time I was that sick. Today I have had a Gatorade slushy and a piece of toast. I think I lost last weeks entire consumption and a few organs. I think poisoning an inmates food once in awhile might just do the trick of straightening him out.

"You have been sentenced to 3 days in jail and a heavy dose of rotten sandwich meat." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I promise I will never stab my girlfriend again."

It will take me a week just to get this house back in order, how is that for ironic? Rob goes to San Diego to play on the beach for his day off and when I get a day off from the kids, I get to (just one more and then I am done, promise) cook for the cafeteria. You get to know how clean your toilet really is after 24 hours of inspecting. I had no idea.

Corn? When did I eat corn?