My Resentful Journey

It is November 1st, 2009.

I pee on a stick because I am late. Two lines. Positive. I pee on a second stick. The results are the same. Blink, blink. Deep breath. Blink.

I force out a couple of tears and scream really loud alone in my little bathroom. I am not really a screamer or a crier for that matter and it feels a little awkward but I do it anyway just because it is required in my opinion due to the enormity of the situation. I have to feel something and anger is the way I want to go. And the anger is directed toward Rob. After all, it's all his fault. I go into "ignore" mode with Rob.

My last cycle was September 30 that means I am due the first week in July. July might as well be in the next century. To a newly pregnant woman, pregnancy = eternity.

I call up a friend, (the only one who knows for months afterward), and burst into real tears. She hangs up and comes right over after stopping at the store for some chocolate to ease my pain. We talk, she cries, we howl at the moon together. It helps. My eyes are puffy and burning. She knows what I am feeling and that is why I have called her. We now share a special bond. As different as she and I are, this is what brought us together.

That night, I climb to the top of the stairs, already feeling exhausted and huge. Rob asks "Are you still mad?" WHAT? You #@*$#&! Am I still mad?????!!!! This is a lifetime commitment that I had NOT planned on. It changes everything. I told you I was done having kids. I feel like I am drowning even with three. Can't I be upset for more than a day? What gives you the right? "Yes, I am still mad!" I scream. I say my share of angry things about how insensitive he is, about how he has NO IDEA how hard this is for a woman and I slam the door.

Later, he comes up now realizing that I am a teeny-tiny bit upset, gives me a hug and tells me he is sorry and that I can be as mad for as long as I want to. That helps a lot. I don't hug him back though. Still fuming.

November 10, 2009 - My friend decides I need a night to let loose and she schedules a night on the town that weekend. I order a pair of hot, red heels online just to show my defiance over the matter. We go see a University of Washington Huskies Women's Volleyball game, eat dinner at Buca Di Beppo and then try to go dancing but it is raining so we end up going home by midnight. I am nauseous so that is fine by me. I still wear my red heels just because.

I love these shoes. They are my "everybody back off!" shoes!

November 16-19th, 2009 - We sell our Ford Expedition because we have to get a more family friendly car. I head down to Portland on the amtrak to help Rob's mom go into the hospital for knee surgery. While we are at the front desk talking to the receptionist, I ask about her kids pictured on the wall behind her. She informs me that she had a baby when her youngest was 12. A 12 year gap? She says that child is a gem. I feel a little guilty about being mad about my 4 1/2 year gap and it helps to hear her story. Maybe I will learn to love mine too.

I find a vehicle down there and drive it home. This is the reason why we got rid of our Ford and moved to the minivan life. Needed more accessible seating.

December 20, 2009 - I enter a contest online. I don't usually enter contests, they are a waste of time. However, I find out I have won one of 25 Lansinoh gift baskets. Electric breast pump, wipes, creams, all the dignified new baby necessities. It actually makes my day. I needed that boost. I get it in the mail a few days later just as they promised. Very very cool! I never win anything.

Fast forward a couple months...things are fine. We are talking again of course, I just needed some time to let things sink in. Start gaining back the weight I had so dutifully worked off. Plan to go on a cruise with some friends to celebrate our 10-year anniversary early. Our anniversary is in May but I will be too large by then so we decide to go in February.

January 11, 2010 - I meet Rob at his work and it is just the 2 of us in the ultrasound room. Although Rob is a vascular ultrasound technologist, not obstetrics, he is able to at least see arms and legs. We get the confirmation that there really is life inside me and I get attached.

I am keeping this pregnancy a secret from family. No real reason, just don't want to say anything. Fun to see if I can keep a secret and make it a huge reveal when we get together next.

February 14, 2010 - We go on our 10th anniversary cruise. I am 22 weeks and you all know the story, my luggage is lost. Not easy to shop for a wardrobe that is modest and maternity at the same time on Catalina Island. Funny thing is that when I finally am reunited with my luggage, all the clothes I had spent weeks finding for this vacation don't fit anymore since my waist has expanded. Such an ironic disappointment. I am able to keep it hidden from my parents when I see them after we pick the kids up after the cruise.

March 5, 2010 - The kids and I go back into Rob's work to get another ultrasound. We finally tell the kids that they are getting a new baby brother or sister. Their faces are priceless. It was a special moment with just our family in that little exam room. We guess it is a girl but aren't for sure. We take our first family picture.

March 8, 2010 - First midwife appointment. I have decided to have a home birth. I hate the poking and prodding and telling me what to do-ness of hospitals and I am lucky enough to have quick labor so I am referred to Toni Erickson, RN LM. She is fabulous. She does an ultrasound and confirms that it is a girl.

April 6, 2010 - My mom meets us in Portland for spring break and spilling the beans is inevitable. I am showing too much. I announce that she will be getting another granddaughter and she stares at me, mouth open for about 16 seconds without moving. She gives me this you-think-you-are-sooooo-funny glare and can't form a complete sentence. She knows now. What a relief. She is excited but shocked to hear I am 6 months along.

May 9, 2010 - Mother's Day

May 15, 2010 - Got ready to go on a date with Rob and then 3 of my neighbors walk up to me in the driveway and I am kidnapped. Rob had been in on the whole thing. Went to The Cheesecake Factory for a girl's night out/baby shower sort of thing. Ate food, had cheesecake, went home. I have the best neighbors in the whole world. They all pitched in on a gift certificate for a massage since I was in so much pain.

In months 6 & 7, baby was sitting happily on my sciatic nerve and I was near suicidal. I couldn't get up from a sitting position without having to take a minute to realign. I was in A LOT of pain and it seemed much worse than I remember with the other three pregnancies. I could not move in bed, I could not go down stairs, I could not sit upright. I was MISERABLE.

May 18, 2010 - We were to go down to celebrate Rob's sister's wedding and also announce to Rob's mom that we were expecting. 5 days before the wedding day, Martha (Rob's mom) calls to chat. Olivia answers. Martha asks where Olivia's baby is, referring to a doll she had received for Christmas. Olivia says "in mommy's tummy." Olivia is told to hand the phone to me, pronto! Martha asks if I have something to tell her. The beans are spilled. She says she had a sneaking suspicion. I am 7 1/2 months along.

June 24, 2010 - I decide to go on our annual family coast trip even though I could deliver any second. I am confident things will be fine even if I deliver on the beach. We drive down to Rockaway Beach, Oregon. I stuff a pillow under my sweater and show up at the house where everyone else has arrived. I "pretend" to be pregnant and moan as I exit the car in front of everyone. My sister Katelyn, brother-in-law Mike and brother Kyle are the only ones left who do not know. They all say I am just looking for attention as they see me faking it. Then I pull the pillow out in a "wa-la" moment to reveal my real pregnant tummy. Their eyes get really big. "You really are pregnant! How far along are you?" I tell them I have 12 days left. It is a big joke for the rest of the day. Katelyn is mad. She is pregnant too and can't believe she didn't know. It was hilarious and worth it.

We are there a week and no baby. My biggest goal was just to avoid having a baby on June 27th-my birthday and I succeed. I don't want to share. My mom has decided to come back from the coast with us to be here when she is born. We get home on the 29th. I pick raspberries and strawberries the next morning and freeze them that afternoon.

July 7, 2010 - My mom is here a week and it is my official due date, no baby. We are just waiting. My mom cleans my window tracks, recaulks the bathtub and dusts the baseboards just to name a few things. I am huge, useless and boiling because it is the hottest week of the summer. I wanted to have the baby on the 4th of July and even considered drinking a special shake to induce labor but then decided not to mess with fate.

July 9, 2010 - I am proclaiming myself: DONE!!! I am hot, sweaty, exhausted, huge, swollen, done! I am 2 days overdue. I waddle on out to the kids' pool in the backyard and slide in. There I stay for an hour trying to bring my core temperature down. I talk on the phone with Martha for awhile. All is quiet and relaxed.

July 10, 2010, - 3am contractions finally start and the rest is history....

At first, yes I allowed myself to get really worked up about it. But this is a huge deal for anyone. You might be thinking that this whole story is a bit dramatic and I am a big fat whiner but it was my self-absorbed reality. I still have days when Tatum is super fussy and I feel a little bit of resentment but not a lot over all. I have come to a new place in life and I am really really looking forward to it. It was a harder pregnancy that I anticipated but it was eventful and full of memories. I have only myself (and Rob, a tiny bit) to thank for this whole life-altering event and if there is a moral of the story it is:

You play with fire, you're gunna get burned.

My burn's name is Tatum and she is delightful.

A Few Facts About My Pregnancies:

My hair growth slows to almost a stand-still. I only had to shave my legs about once a month.

My fingernails grow like wildfire.

I get numbing pains in my legs that drop me to the ground.

I waddle....bad!

My record is having to get up to pee at night 6 times in one night.

My lungs suffer a lot. It is like having Asthma for 9 months.

I am HOT and sweaty all the time.

Rolling over in bed is a 10 minute event.

My big toes hurt all the time due to the weight gain.

I am in bed at night at about 8:30. Couldn't stay up later if my life depended on it.